Many of my therapy clients are familiar with TA since it is often used as a part of their therapeutic process. TA is an effective way of educating, explaining, and applying therapeutic and healing processes for many clients who are “stuck” in their own thoughts and beliefs or are struggling with close relationships.
In my practice, I often use the TA concepts of “ego positions (I’m ok, you’re ok), “strokes”, “ego states (parent, adult, child)”, “games people play”, “life scripts”, and “contracts”. Today, I want to focus on ego positions of “I’m ok, you’re ok”.
In brief, TA is a social psychology developed by Eric Berne, MD, perhaps made famous from the still popular book, “I’m ok, you’re ok,” written by Thomas A. Harris, MD in 1967. Even today, over 40 years later, you can purchase this book off the shelf in many popular bookstores.
Why is this book (and Transactional Analysis) so popular?
Over the decades Eric Berne's theory has evolved to include applications to psychotherapy, counseling, education, and organizational development. At one time or another we all have heard “I’m ok, you’re ok” and all of its variations: I’m ok, you’re NOT ok; I’m NOT ok, you’re ok; and I’m NOT ok, you’re NOT ok.
“I’m OK, You’re OK” establishes and reinforces the position that recognizes the value and worth of you and of others. The term “OK” regards people as basically capable of change, growth, and healthy interactions. Yet, many of us struggle with the “OK-ness” of ourselves and others.
When we struggle with our personal “ok-ness”, we are in essence struggling with a low level of self-esteem/love. The goal of TA work is to help us regain our sense of esteem/love and open us up to connections with other people in meaningful ways.
When we struggle with the “ok-ness” of others, we often find ourselves in unsatisfactory relationships or dealing with loneliness, isolation, and judgmentalism. The goal of TA work is to help us deepen our ability to trust and feel some measure of safety in our relationships.
Where do you currently sit with your “ok-ness” - with yourself and others? When you have a moment, find a peaceful place to relax and contemplate your ego position.
Questions or comments?
Friday, March 12, 2010
Thursday, February 4, 2010
Relationships and Intimacy
Relationships dominate our lives – true from birth until this exact moment – and how we engage, connect, develop, integrate, operate. and maintain our relationships have a direct bearing our how we experience life – generally satisfying or with degrees of angst.
Relationships exist at the front end of our “outer experience,” the place where our bodies and our psyche engage and live in the world. Yet, our relationships often play havoc with our inner experience – that “inner dialogue” that often drives us to distraction, if not to a coping behavior such as an addiction, obsession-compulsion, or a spiritual program (or even a psychotherapist!).
If relationships are hard work, intimacy is much more difficult to achieve. Intimacy is the results of all the hard work relationships include – friendship, trust, safety, revelation, vulnerability, love, and time. Intimacy is not about sex (sorry to disappoint all of you guys out there) but is about evolution – of development and growth of “you” as a person and the “both of you” as a relationship.
Fortunately, basic relationship skills can be learned and improved. More importantly, intimacy can be learned and improved, too. Today’s blog is a discussion on the elements of the Intimacy Hierarchy™, the basis of my program called “Intimate Person, Intimate People™.” The Hierarchy™ begins with the foundation – Attachment Style – and builds step-by-step to the top of the pyramid, intimacy.
Use this dialogue for your own personal benefit and feel free to comment.
As always, contact me if you need a deeper exploration or a guided journey for your own personal growth. Please visit my website at www.cobblpc.com for further information.
The Intimacy Hierarchy™
Attachment Style: How we connect, experience, and cope with security or insecurity (anxiety and avoidance) within significant relationships. Attachment Styles are developed in our pre-verbal, formative years from the relationships with our caregivers and, as we grow into adults, heavily influences our significant relationships today. Understanding our Attachment Style and the implications are crucial in understanding how our relationships work – or do not work – in the present. Thus, Attachment Style is the foundation of the Intimacy Hierarchy.
Spiritual Program: We are all spiritual beings as well as physical bodies. Ninety-four percent of mankind today believes in God, or a Higher Power. Integration of and reconciliation with our Higher Power – the foundation of developing confidence, courage, and healthy self-regard/esteem – is an inner process that dominates inner world (that private ‘self’ of what we believe and how we feel about ourselves). How we visualize God correlates directly in how we view the world we live in; thus, our “big picture.”
Boundaries: Our choice of behaviors with others and behaviors we allow from others. Boundaries serve as self-protection, self-regulation, and self-balance – the practice of confidence, courage, and healthy self-regard/esteem. We become an “individual” and differentiate ourselves from others through the development and exercise of our boundaries. Exhibited through behaviors the purpose, design, and application of boundaries are always intended to protect ourselves rather than a tool for controlling others.
Friendships: The life-dance of attraction, commonness (experience, goals, and purpose), collaboration, sharing and revealing, exchanging feedback, emotional connecting, and expressions of affection with another and others. Through our friendships we become better individuals by refining and practicing our boundaries, exuding confidence, and exhibiting courage – resulting in higher levels of self-regards/esteem.
Revelation: A mutually shared, supportive exchange of our inner world – past, present, and dreams. It is through revelation that we teach others how to be with us and how to love us while being available for the lessons of others. Exercising our boundaries and discernment, we reveal ourselves through dialogue (verbal sharing and relating) of our life experiences, thoughts, beliefs, feelings, needs, wants, and impacts. Self-disclosure facilitates the deepening of friendships and intimate relationships while fortifying our own inner confidence, courage, and self-regard/esteem. Boundaries and discernment customizes the level of revelation and how we relate with each person in our friendships.
Trust and Safety: Trust is the ability to rely and depend on another person based on their consistency and positive behaviors exhibited over time. Safety is the degree of inner security and comfort that permits revelation (genuine emotional expression and self-disclosure) extending from experiencing trustworthiness. Always be trustworthy, but trust another when earned. Trust and safety are the mechanisms for developing intense and deeper relationships that transcends basic friendships.
Love: The process of actions (behaviors) that transform the “I/me” toward the “we/us,” developing into a “special relationship.” Strong experiences of connection, friendship, revelation, trust, safety, and balance (maintaining boundaries) serve as the foundation for developing a loving relationship. The willingness to integrate, collaborate, expose (vulnerability), and the sharing of responsibilities and accountabilities facilitates the growth of all love relationships. Life-partners enjoy sexual expressions as transformative.
Vulnerability: Shared genuineness and authenticity. Vulnerability involves deep levels of revelation with confidence, courage, and complete honesty. The goal of being vulnerable is to evolve a special friendship into an intimate relationship. Mutually shared, this combination of verbal and non-verbal emotional expressions and self-revelations are non-condemning, supportive, secure, and private – the practice of high levels of trust and safety.
Intimacy: The results of all that has gone on before it over a long period of practice and of time. Intimacy includes the descriptions of “transparent” and “interdependence.” There is a mutual feeling of security (low anxiety and low avoidance); honor and respect for each other’s individuality (boundaries) and for the relationship itself; perpetual mutual revelation with high levels of trust, safety, and the willingness for vulnerability; and the actions and security of a loving relationship. Intimate relationships stand the test of time, are solid, respected, and the goal of most all healthy people. At the core of all intimate relationships are intimate people; thus, Intimate Person, Intimate Couple.
Relationships exist at the front end of our “outer experience,” the place where our bodies and our psyche engage and live in the world. Yet, our relationships often play havoc with our inner experience – that “inner dialogue” that often drives us to distraction, if not to a coping behavior such as an addiction, obsession-compulsion, or a spiritual program (or even a psychotherapist!).
If relationships are hard work, intimacy is much more difficult to achieve. Intimacy is the results of all the hard work relationships include – friendship, trust, safety, revelation, vulnerability, love, and time. Intimacy is not about sex (sorry to disappoint all of you guys out there) but is about evolution – of development and growth of “you” as a person and the “both of you” as a relationship.
Fortunately, basic relationship skills can be learned and improved. More importantly, intimacy can be learned and improved, too. Today’s blog is a discussion on the elements of the Intimacy Hierarchy™, the basis of my program called “Intimate Person, Intimate People™.” The Hierarchy™ begins with the foundation – Attachment Style – and builds step-by-step to the top of the pyramid, intimacy.
Use this dialogue for your own personal benefit and feel free to comment.
As always, contact me if you need a deeper exploration or a guided journey for your own personal growth. Please visit my website at www.cobblpc.com for further information.
The Intimacy Hierarchy™
Attachment Style: How we connect, experience, and cope with security or insecurity (anxiety and avoidance) within significant relationships. Attachment Styles are developed in our pre-verbal, formative years from the relationships with our caregivers and, as we grow into adults, heavily influences our significant relationships today. Understanding our Attachment Style and the implications are crucial in understanding how our relationships work – or do not work – in the present. Thus, Attachment Style is the foundation of the Intimacy Hierarchy.
Spiritual Program: We are all spiritual beings as well as physical bodies. Ninety-four percent of mankind today believes in God, or a Higher Power. Integration of and reconciliation with our Higher Power – the foundation of developing confidence, courage, and healthy self-regard/esteem – is an inner process that dominates inner world (that private ‘self’ of what we believe and how we feel about ourselves). How we visualize God correlates directly in how we view the world we live in; thus, our “big picture.”
Boundaries: Our choice of behaviors with others and behaviors we allow from others. Boundaries serve as self-protection, self-regulation, and self-balance – the practice of confidence, courage, and healthy self-regard/esteem. We become an “individual” and differentiate ourselves from others through the development and exercise of our boundaries. Exhibited through behaviors the purpose, design, and application of boundaries are always intended to protect ourselves rather than a tool for controlling others.
Friendships: The life-dance of attraction, commonness (experience, goals, and purpose), collaboration, sharing and revealing, exchanging feedback, emotional connecting, and expressions of affection with another and others. Through our friendships we become better individuals by refining and practicing our boundaries, exuding confidence, and exhibiting courage – resulting in higher levels of self-regards/esteem.
Revelation: A mutually shared, supportive exchange of our inner world – past, present, and dreams. It is through revelation that we teach others how to be with us and how to love us while being available for the lessons of others. Exercising our boundaries and discernment, we reveal ourselves through dialogue (verbal sharing and relating) of our life experiences, thoughts, beliefs, feelings, needs, wants, and impacts. Self-disclosure facilitates the deepening of friendships and intimate relationships while fortifying our own inner confidence, courage, and self-regard/esteem. Boundaries and discernment customizes the level of revelation and how we relate with each person in our friendships.
Trust and Safety: Trust is the ability to rely and depend on another person based on their consistency and positive behaviors exhibited over time. Safety is the degree of inner security and comfort that permits revelation (genuine emotional expression and self-disclosure) extending from experiencing trustworthiness. Always be trustworthy, but trust another when earned. Trust and safety are the mechanisms for developing intense and deeper relationships that transcends basic friendships.
Love: The process of actions (behaviors) that transform the “I/me” toward the “we/us,” developing into a “special relationship.” Strong experiences of connection, friendship, revelation, trust, safety, and balance (maintaining boundaries) serve as the foundation for developing a loving relationship. The willingness to integrate, collaborate, expose (vulnerability), and the sharing of responsibilities and accountabilities facilitates the growth of all love relationships. Life-partners enjoy sexual expressions as transformative.
Vulnerability: Shared genuineness and authenticity. Vulnerability involves deep levels of revelation with confidence, courage, and complete honesty. The goal of being vulnerable is to evolve a special friendship into an intimate relationship. Mutually shared, this combination of verbal and non-verbal emotional expressions and self-revelations are non-condemning, supportive, secure, and private – the practice of high levels of trust and safety.
Intimacy: The results of all that has gone on before it over a long period of practice and of time. Intimacy includes the descriptions of “transparent” and “interdependence.” There is a mutual feeling of security (low anxiety and low avoidance); honor and respect for each other’s individuality (boundaries) and for the relationship itself; perpetual mutual revelation with high levels of trust, safety, and the willingness for vulnerability; and the actions and security of a loving relationship. Intimate relationships stand the test of time, are solid, respected, and the goal of most all healthy people. At the core of all intimate relationships are intimate people; thus, Intimate Person, Intimate Couple.
Friday, January 1, 2010
Resolutions: "Better" or "Different?"
Tis’ the season for… resolutions.
Bad habits, weight loss, career goals, new friends, money, relationship improvement – all are fair game and fodder for the resolution grist mill. We’ve all made resolutions at one time or another and occasionally achieved some good results from a few of them while most others go by the wayside to make next year’s list.
Resolutions are about “change” (“I want a better result in my life”) and our desires for positive change have common threads.
We want to change in meaningful ways our thinking, feelings, and behaviors. We are seeking better outcomes.
Resolutions are seductive and our outcome fantasies seem wonderful, yet we somehow manage not to achieve or desired result. Come springtime, we are back to our old habits and ways. Change is hard to implement. Why?
An answer lays in understanding the dichotomy of “better” and “different.” This concept is what all therapists have to understand with every client that sits on our couches. It is about motivation: do I want “better” (meaning “relief”) or do I want “different” (meaning “fundamental change”).
Using the example of an alcoholic, does he/she want relief from alcohol and the unmanageability (consequences) his drinking causes or does he want freedom from alcohol and the peace of mind and stability that sobriety affords. This model is true for resolutions of all types: quitting smoking, diet and exercise, relationships, and so on.
Why not both “better” AND “different”? Because these are two separate focuses of motivations.
“Better” is a relief-seeking motivation for change while “different” is a fundamental change in lifestyle. Resolutions based on “better” will sooner or later collapse under the weight of old thinking, beliefs, and habits. Resolutions based on “different” will change our thinking, beliefs, and habits leading to permanent changes in our lives.
So for your New Year’s resolution, ask yourself: is my motivation to be “better” or “different?”
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Care to comment?
(The Good Mental Health concepts for this blogpost are: “Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, expecting different results”; “Courage – doing the ‘next right thing’ in spite of fear”; “The inner dialogue – self talk and self reflection”)
Bad habits, weight loss, career goals, new friends, money, relationship improvement – all are fair game and fodder for the resolution grist mill. We’ve all made resolutions at one time or another and occasionally achieved some good results from a few of them while most others go by the wayside to make next year’s list.
Resolutions are about “change” (“I want a better result in my life”) and our desires for positive change have common threads.
We want to change in meaningful ways our thinking, feelings, and behaviors. We are seeking better outcomes.
Resolutions are seductive and our outcome fantasies seem wonderful, yet we somehow manage not to achieve or desired result. Come springtime, we are back to our old habits and ways. Change is hard to implement. Why?
An answer lays in understanding the dichotomy of “better” and “different.” This concept is what all therapists have to understand with every client that sits on our couches. It is about motivation: do I want “better” (meaning “relief”) or do I want “different” (meaning “fundamental change”).
Using the example of an alcoholic, does he/she want relief from alcohol and the unmanageability (consequences) his drinking causes or does he want freedom from alcohol and the peace of mind and stability that sobriety affords. This model is true for resolutions of all types: quitting smoking, diet and exercise, relationships, and so on.
Why not both “better” AND “different”? Because these are two separate focuses of motivations.
“Better” is a relief-seeking motivation for change while “different” is a fundamental change in lifestyle. Resolutions based on “better” will sooner or later collapse under the weight of old thinking, beliefs, and habits. Resolutions based on “different” will change our thinking, beliefs, and habits leading to permanent changes in our lives.
So for your New Year’s resolution, ask yourself: is my motivation to be “better” or “different?”
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Care to comment?
(The Good Mental Health concepts for this blogpost are: “Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, expecting different results”; “Courage – doing the ‘next right thing’ in spite of fear”; “The inner dialogue – self talk and self reflection”)
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